27 January 2010

Reflection 27 January 2010

In my reflective writing class, we always start with 10 minutes of writing. Tonight, I am writing here. I'm thinking about this class and how very different it has been from the second module of this program. I won't say it's been better, but it certainly hasn't been worse either. Its just been, well, different!

In one way, the relaxed atmosphere has been especially good. But this has also played against me, as well. The relaxed atmosphere has not really motivated me to put my heart and soul into what has been required, i.e. reflective writing. In fact, you will notice that my posts here have been much shorter, more rare, and in general not the quality (IMHO) of my previous writing. Maybe its because I am being asked to write at a level which doesn't work very well with my lack of self confidence.

I'll shift gears...I read the resulting IEP forms from a students conference this morning today during my plan. I was struck that it said "still struggles with self-confidence issues". This seemed strange to me, given who the student was and his level of intelligence. He is on an IEP because of OHRI (other health related issues) so its a physical malady, not any sort of learning disability. I thought, this guy? Self-confidence? But he has so much going for him! He's a bright kid who comes from a good family and gets more family support than many of my kids put together. I guess it goes to show that self-confidence problems stem from many different areas. You can't just look at someone and determine what they are feeling on the inside.

I can relate with this student. I have so much going for me. I am blessed with an amazing family. I have a fantastic job, working with the most amazing students in the school. I have two children who are absolutely fantastic kids. They are the kind of students, the kind of kids who you are always proud to say "that's my child". They have a way of making me look good. Now bear in mind, I take NONE of the credit for who my kids are. I have tried to do that in the past, but its just not an appropriate thing for me to do. I think its pretty easy to look good as a parent when your kids are already amazing before you even get to do anything with them. My wife is such an outstanding woman. Little did I know, 19 years ago, what kind of amazing life I was going to share with this woman. She is the type of person who makes you want to be a better person. She literally brings out the best in me. I certainly do not deserve to spend my life with this person but that's the great thing about love, you don't always get what you deserve, nor do you always deserve what you get.

So, here's the reflective part: what in the world do I have to be "unconfident" about? Honestly, I can say: "nothing". I'll end this with some questions: "what is it about me that makes me feel unnerved when people speak well of me or place their confidence in me?"  The reason I ask this is that in this class, we have to talk about accomplishments. Do you know how hard that is when you don't think you have any?

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